6'0 Tall wife to Muscle Man, mother of 3, full time career woman, with an addiction to running wherever her size 10's will take her.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

2 Years ago...


When the phone rings at 7AM on a Saturday morning you know it is not good news.  2 years ago- It was my younger brother saying that my Dad (age 59) had a heart attack.  What he didn’t say on the phone was that he had tried to perform CPR and that the EMT folks could not revive Dad.  I got dressed quickly and grabbed a water bottle. I figured we would be at the hospital for a while, in my mind I thought heart attacks are common, I was worried but hopeful.  My older sister and I headed to the hospital.

When we walked in we were directed to private family room. UMMMMMM, I knew exactly what that meant.  “Why are they taking us in here?”  From the look my Mom and Brother’s faces I knew…. I didn’t want it to be real.  My Dad had passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition that was worsened by Pneumonia.  The minutes, hours, days, weeks that followed were a blurry maze of tears, confusion, anger, questioning, denial, pain, weakness… there were so many things to take care of and all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and pretend like it wasn’t real.  I remember how strong my Mom was, she had lost a man she was married to for over 35 years just when they were going to start living in Retirement together and she was holding it together better than I was.

I did what I could to be strong and put on a brave face.  Then would go home and cry in the arms of my husband.  MM was hurting to, my Dad was his closest friend, he immediately felt the void and still does at family functions. 

Now 2 years later the pain is still real, I am tearing up as I type this post.  I think about Dad every day, all positive things.  I was blessed to have a Father who left a legacy of kindness, and love.  My hope is that I can pass on a smile, the smile that I got from him.  I feel his presence often when I run, the most vivid experience was at the Boston Marathon when my body gave out at mile 4, he helped me through, post HERE.

I wish so much that my Mom had her husband.  I wish my sister, brother and I had our Dad.  That my husband had his friend.  I wish that our Boys could have their Grandpa.. It does not matter how hard I wish/hope/want for this.  The reality is that he has been gone for 2 years and we are all left with wonderful memories and the pain of missing him more than words can express..


I am not sure what the protocol is for the Anniversary of the death of someone?  Do I visit the grave?  Do I spend all day in bed?  Do I go out and celebrate his life?  I am not sure, all I know is that I miss my Dad and 10/16 will always hold a special/haunting place in my heart.

14 comments:

Amy N. said...

It's a tough thing to lose a loved one so early. I lost my father when I was 9, and sometimes still wonder what experiences I missed out on. This may be presumptuous, but I believe that families will be together forever, and although you're separated now, your father is watching over you (just like you felt at the Boston Marathon) and you'll have the opportunity to see him again! (http://mormon.org/family)

Wymberley Pfalmer said...

I think you are doing exactly what you should. My thoughts are with you today girl.

JRTRUNR said...

I have tears in my eyes, beautiful post. Thoughts and prayers are with you today.

Jenn said...

I am so sorry for your loss, but at the same time so happy for you that you have so many wonderful thoughts, memories, and feelings about your dad to pass on to your kiddos. He would be proud of all you have accomplished :)

Karen77 said...

I have tears in my eyes reading that. I lost my brother, suddenly, 4 years ago. Every emotion you describe I have felt. Though I don't know the pain of losing a father, we share the pain of losing a family member. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing today.....remembering him. Hugs!

(Just) Trying is for Little Girls said...

Hugs, buddy. Big hugs.

carrie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Go out and celebrate the memory of your dad how you feel that day. You have special memories of him, take time as a daughter and as a family to honor him. You know he still loves you!!!

Kates @ Life on the Pavement... said...

Hugs Mel! I'd like to say it gets easier, but it doesn't. You just learn to remember the good times and be grateful for what you had! :)

Velma said...

Thinking of you!

Deb said...

Hang in there. I'm sure your dad is watching over you, and that he's so proud of you and your family. I lost my dad eight years ago. I recently ran a half marathon on the anniversary of his death and for the last few miles his full name - first, middle, last, Sr. - was my mantra. It helped.

mia79gbr said...

So sorry for your loss. But ooking at the family pictures you posted - he is reflected in your smile and your eyes - a real family resemblance. Every time you smile you bring him back just a little. xx

Sara said...

So sorry for your loss! The 14th marked the 4 year anniversary of my Dad's passing. He too died suddenly of a heart attack. Unfortunately I know how you feel:( It's hard for us to be without or Dad's! Hope you had a special day celebrating all of your wonderful memories!

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Aysha said...

Beautiful post!